A What???

I'm having a girl.  You know, the mental image of a baby with one of those huge flower headbands and mountains upon mountains of pink can be awfully scary.  

All along with this pregnancy I'm thinking "I'm having another boy.  I know how to do boys.  They're low maintenance, and you just get clothes that are red, blue, or orange.  Easy.  No problem.  I can do two of those."  And now I have to adjust to the idea of that all going away.  I don't know how to dress a girl!  Little accessories like hair bows and bracelets are completely foreign to me.  Maybe I could just let her wear some of my jewelry and be done with it?  Sigh.  That would never work.  

But then I start thinking about it.  A girl!  Fluffy dresses, matching headbands.  Pink, purple, and green.  Instead of monster trucks and sports I get flowers and lady bugs.  And it's going to be heaven!  A little girl to primp up and play dollies with.  I can just see the tea parties and baby dolls.  

It's going to be a whole different world.  Not a better one, per say, but a good one. 

Am I Sure About This?

Um, wow.  Did I really just do that?  Did I seriously just join a writing group and sign up to write 50,000 words in the month of November?  I'd think I was hallucinating or something, but I've got the confirmation email to prove it.  

I guess I just got tired of wondering and waiting to see what would happen later on.  Stopped thinking about how much time I don't have and how much talent I may or may not have.  I decided to just dive in, and now I'm scared to death.  Scared that I might actually be able to swim.  

My husband said something that really hit me a few days ago:  "I think you're afraid that you might actually be successful.  You don't know what that would be like, so you sabotage yourself."

Ack!  Do I really do that?  

I do!  My philosophical mind has been mulling over it since.  I am subconsciously causing myself to fail, or at least not succeed.  I find road blocks, obstacles, issues, that make it "not worth the trouble."  And I'm sitting there thinking Why in the heck am I doing that?  I swear, I must have been crazy or something.  And, sure, I might have snapped and done something totally irrational.

But you know something?  I'm committed now.  In 100%, no matter what.  I'm telling myself that failure isn't an option.  Not a chance!  So, here we go.  Deep breath... and go.